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Unhealthy vs Abusive Relationships

Some folks know something isn’t right with their relationship, but are unsure whether their relationship is unhealthy or abusive.

So what differentiates the two?

When trying to differentiate between an unhealthy and abusive relationship, it is important to understand what the INTENTION behind the behavior causing harm in the relationship is.

Is the person causing harm in the relationship constantly asking you who you are texting because they are insecure and are worried you may not like them anymore? Or is the person causing harm constantly asking you who you are texting because they want to control and monitor who you talk too?

When trying to differentiate between an unhealthy and an abusive relationship, consider the following:

Unhealthy

  • Insecurity in the relationship that is impacting the behaviors and interactions of folks in the relationship

  • One or more people in the relationship struggle with respecting boundaries

  • Lack of communication (no clear communication, space is not given in the relationship to communicate wants and needs)

  • There is contempt, critisism, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling in the relationship (Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalyse)

  • Lack of trust

  • Feeling uncomfortable in the relationship

Abusive

  • Power and Control

  • Pattern of Violence (Cycle of Violence)

  • Fear for safety in the relationship

  • Someone feeling like they do not know what to expect from the other person (people) in the relationship

NOTE: Aspects of unhealthy relationships also appear in abusive relationships. Not all unhealthy relationships are abusive, but all abusive relationships are unhealthy.

 
 
 

Looking for more information on how to differentiate between a red flag and a green flag in a relationship?

Check out the handout and read more about Healthy Relationships.

If you would like support with understanding whether your relationship, or a friend’s relationship, is abusive, schedule an appointment with one of our survivor advocates.