• Listen. Often a person in crisis just needs someone to hear their story. You can show you’re really listening to your friend or loved one by nodding, looking them in the eye, saying “uh-huh”, etc. Don’t try to fix the problem unless explicitly asked to do so.

• Breathe. Hearing that a loved one has experienced violence can be overwhelming. Take a moment to breathe and ground yourself so you can be present for your loved one in that moment.

• Believe. One of the most important things you can do is to communicate that you believe what your loved one is telling you. Survivors often worry they will not be believed or have been told by the perpetrator no one will believe them. When someone shares their story with you, you have the ability to to show them there are people in the world who will believe them and care for them. If you express disbelief, they may not feel comfortable reaching out to other support systems.

• Help to clarify what you think they are saying. Listen carefully to your loved one and then tell them what you think they said about their feelings. They may be talking about their emotions in a way that seems jumbled. You can help by sorting out and repeating back what was said. Say things like: “It sounds like…” or “What I hear you saying is…” or “I think I’m hearing you say…” If you have questions about what they’re feeling (not the details of the situation) ask them to help you understand.

• Let your friend decide what they want to talk about. Do not push them to talk about something if they are not comfortable doing so. If you feel you need to ask questions, ask gently so they don’t feel that you’re prying or looking for a reason to blame them for what they experienced. Ask general questions, e.g., “Do you want to talk about what happened?” rather than, “How were you raped?”

• Avoid asking accusatory questions. The perpetrator is to blame for what happened. You may feel angry and frustrated about what happened, but don’t take it out on your loved one. Do not ask questions about why they did (or did not do) a certain thing. Survivors do the best they can in confusing, terrifying, or life-threatening situations. If you want or need to understand the mechanisms of trauma, please call our office at 303-556-CALL (2255). Remember, many survivors blame themselves for what happened to them. They do not need another person re-enforcing these, untrue, thoughts and feelings.

• Don’t make decisions for them. When someone experiences interpersonal violence, they have had their power and control taken away from them by the perpetrator. You can help them regain that power and control by letting them make their own decisions about what to do next for their safety and healing. You can find them resources and information that may help them navigate their experience, but let them decide what they want to do with those resources and information. You may think that you know the best thing to do, but they are truly the experts on themselves, their experience, and what will be best for their safety and healing.

• Show that you care. Remind them you care for them and this crisis hasn’t changed that fact. You can show your affection by hugging them (ask them if they want a hug), telling them you love them, or even just sitting quietly together. You may not feel that you are doing much, but your presence can mean a great deal.

• Remind them to have self-compassion and self-care. Your loved one has been through a very difficult experience. Remind them to be good to themselves. If they have trouble identifying ways to take care of themselves, help them brainstorm ways they have enjoyed themselves or felt relaxed in the past.

  Take care of yourself. It can be very upsetting and traumatic when a friend or loved one is victimized. You may feel powerless, guilty, shocked, angry, scared, or any number of other emotions. These feelings are normal, natural responses. Be sure to be kind to yourself and get help managing these emotions. Our office offers support services to people supporting survivors as well.

 What to say to someone who has survived interpersonal violence…

• “No one deserves to be treated that way. This was not your fault. You did not deserve to be ___________(hit, assaulted, treated that way)”

• “Whatever you did to survive the situation was the right thing to do.”

• “I believe you. It was not your fault. This was something that someone did TO you.”

• “Regardless of ____________ (how you were dressed, how much you drank, if you were flirting, what you did prior to the sexual assault, etc), there is no excuse for sexual assault, violence, stalking etc. You did not deserve this.”

• “That must have been a very ________ (unsettling, scary, confusing, uncomfortable , frightening) experience.”

• “You are not crazy. You are reacting normally to a difficult situation.”

• “It doesn’t make a difference if you consented to do other things sexually with this person. You said “no” to this part, and that person did not respect you. You have the right to change your mind at anytime when you are with someone.”

Referring someone to the Phoenix Center at Auraria | Anschutz

• “We have a center on the Auraria/Anschutz campus that supports students/staff/faculty with this kind of experience. They can assist you in accessing resources and determining your next steps. What do you think about calling them?”

• “We have a center here on campus called the Phoenix Center at Auraria | Anschutz. They have advocates in their office who can support you with better understanding the feelings you have shared with me. Have you thought about calling them? Would you like me to get you the number or call for you?”

• “The Phoenix Center at Auraria | Anschutz can assist you in getting connected with other services on and off campus to make sure you are getting what you need after this experience.”

• “Do you want me to call the Phoenix Center at Auraria | Anschutz for you?”

• "Would you like for me to come with you to the Phoenix Center?”

• "I could accompany you to make an appointment with a PCA Advocate, if you'd like?"

• “Here is their 24/7 helpline phone number – 303-556-CALL (2255)”

What to avoid saying to someone who has survived interpersonal violence… 

• Why didn’t you/You should have/You shouldn’t have/I told you to/I told you not to…  — Survivors already experience an immense amount of self-blame. Try to focus on how they can stay or be safe going forward.

• You have to… — It’s very important that survivors are allowed to make their own choices and decisions. You don’t know how your plan of action may turn out and you don’t want to harm your relationship by pushing a suggestion they are uncomfortable with.

• I would…— Any time you share what you would or would not theoretically do in a situation, a person hears a suggestion for what they should do even if you don’t mean it that way.

• I’m sorry — This is very culturally ingrained in our community. It’s a natural first response! However, almost everyone answers hearing “I’m sorry” with “It’s ok” which interpersonal violence certainly is not.

• I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding. — This can come off as dismissive and we never want to dismiss what a survivor is sharing with us. This can also, unintentionally, gaslight the survivor into thinking what they experienced is not “serious enough”.

• Everything will be ok. —  As much as you might want to tell them this to make them feel better, it’s not a guarantee. Interpersonal violence can be a life changing experience and their definition of “ok” may be that everything will go back to the way it was. Try not to promise things you can’t personally deliver on.

• I just can’t see them doing that. —  Perpetrators are often very charismatic, funny, “normal” seeming individuals. The face they show to you may very well not be the face they show at home, around your friends, or you.

• What were you wearing? — What a person is wearing or not wearing does not have any bearing on someone else’s choice to harm them.

• How much did you/they have to drink/smoke/inject/smoke/pop? — Drugs and alcohol does not cause interpersonal violence and blame should never be placed on the survivor.

• I’m gonna kill/hurt them — This may feel like a protective statement to say, but it incites violence and potentially feelings of fear or obligation on the survivor to protect you and the perpetrator. This statement places the focus on you and your feelings, not the survivors. Also, survivors may still have feelings of care for the perpetrator despite the harm the perpetrator has caused them and does not want the perpetrator to be harmed.