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Relationship violence

When someone is experiencing relationship violence, they are experiencing one or more of the tactics of power and control (appearing below in the Power & Control Wheel) in their relationship. These forms of power and control happen in a cycle referred to as the Cycle of Violence.

 

There are 3 phases that appear within the Cycle of Violence.

 

Stage 1: Honeymoon Phase

In the first honeymoon phase (for example, at the beginning of a romantic relationship), the person who will cause harm in the relationship may be showering the person they will harm with attention, gifts, and affection. They may spend all their time together and be in constant communication with one another.

This kind of overwhelming attention and affection is called Love Bombing.

You may hear folks experiencing love bombing say,

  • “I know I have only known my partner for a few weeks, but they are so good to me! I think I found the one!”

  • “They are like Prince Charming!”

  • “I feel like our relationship is moving too fast…”

  • “I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the attention I am getting from my partner. I feel like I don’t have a chance to take a moment to myself.”

Stage 2: Tension Building Phase

When tension begins to build in the relationship, the person who will cause harm will not be as affectionate with the person they will harm. They may become distant, more critical, and (if this person uses substances like drugs or alcohol) by increase their substance use.

The person who will experience harm will notice these behavior changes and may share they feel like they are “walking on eggshells” around the person who will harm them. The person who will experience harm may do things to try and make the person who will harm them happy to shift their changed behavior.

Stage 3: Incident Phase

When an incident occurs, the person who causes harm will use one or more of the tactics on the Power and Control Wheel to abuse the person they are harming.

The person who is being abused may do whatever it takes to ensure they survive the abuse they are experiencing. Including:

  • Appeasing the abuser (offering to have sex with the abuser, signing documents for the abuser, getting money for the abuser, stopping communication with someone the abuser does not want them talking too, ect.)

  • Fighting against the abuser (verbal arguing , physical fighting)

  • Trying to or leaving the abuser, or getting help (going to a friend’s house for a couple of days, calling a family member to come and help calm the abuser down, calling 911)

  • Freezing (this can be a very normal response for survivors experiencing abuse. A survivor may feel “stuck” or “frozen” and not do anything when experiencing abuse. Survivors may also determine that not responding to the abuse is the best way for them to survive).

Back to the Honeymoon Phase (well kinda…)

After the incident of abuse occurs, the honeymoon may appear in one of two ways.

  1. The abuser may be overly apologetic for the abuse and may make excuses for their behavior (“I have trauma”, “I was drunk”, “I have anger issues”, “I just love you so much”, etc.). They may also shower the survivor with gifts and affection. Survivors who experience this after an incident may feel hopeful that the abuser will keep their promises and will not hurt them again.

  2. The abuser may blame the survivor for abusing them (“Well if you would listen then I wouldn’t have had too _____”, “If you would just do what I want _______”, etc.) making the survivor feel like if they do or do not do whatever led to the abuse, they will not experience the abuse in the future.

NOTE: Abusers and survivors may move through the cycle of violence once a day, a few times every couple of months, or once every couple of years. Every abusive relationship is different!

Romantic partners are not the only people who experience relationship violence. Relationship violence can also appear in family relationships (ex: mom abusing child, grandparent abusing grandchild, etc.)

 

REMEMBER

SURVIVORS ARE NEVER TO BLAME FOR EXPERIENCING VIOLENCE! ABUSERS ARE TO BLAME FOR THE VIOLENCE THEY INFLICT ON OTHERS!

Test Your Knowledge

  1. Can you identify the phases of the Cycle of Violence in this music video?

  2. What tactics of Power and Control do you see being used here in the music video (or in the lyrics)?

    Content Warning: Explicit language, physical violence (including strangulation), alcohol consumption, sexual content